Dear Buddha,

I totally blew off my New Year’s resolution and have yet to shed the weight I put on over the holidays. I keep meaning to go to the gym, but every time I get ready to leave my apartment, something really good comes on television and I end up back on the sofa, sitting through mini-marathons of “Rock of Love” while eating a box of Entemann’s cheese danish in my workout clothes. I just can’t seem to get my act together.

With swimsuit season just around the corner, I’m starting to get really anxious. My husband wants to take me to Ft. Lauderdale for our wedding anniversary in June, but I’m worried that after a winter spent wearing loose fitting clothes and insisting on having our marital relations only in pitch darkness, the sight of my flabby beach body will have him running for shelter beneath a coconut tree during a wind storm.

Do you have any suggestions for how I could shed the weight fast?


Fupa Wochalski

Dear Fupa,

Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! This is a time when you should be celebrating what you have, not fretting over what you wish you didn’t. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I say. Rock out with your gut out. I do. So you’ve got a little muffin-top. Well you know what? Muffins are delicious.

Don’t fall prey to our society’s impossibly high standards of beauty. Those rail-thin models in all the magazines are unhappy and underfed, which means that their DOGS are most likely unhappy and underfed. Not all chihuahuas shake, you know–just the ones that live with models. You, on the other hand, sound like you’d make an excellent dog companion. I don’t know what a cheese danish is, but I’m guessing a good portion of it ends up in your lap and/or on the floor when you’re shoveling it down your gullet, and any dog would be happy to be around that. So, dear Fupa, my advice is this–get a dog. We don’t care how big you are, just as long as you don’t sit on us.